Between heaven and hell
by Bookjunk
Summary: Sidney and Amanda deal with their desires in different ways.
1. Heaven

**Between heaven and hell**

 **Chapter 1: Heaven**

Amanda's gaze trailed over the bookcase, taking nothing in. She could not stop thinking about Sidney in nothing but a towel. Whenever she was alone – and sometimes in company – the memory popped into her mind. It was unconscionable. She'd always liked that word. Unconscionable. It was such a forbidding word. Lovely in its stuffy austerity.

It had been a memorable sight, but to be thinking of it quite this much struck her as slightly ridiculous. After all, she did not love Sidney because of how he looked. She loved him because of who he was. Because he was kind and good and witty and so different from other people. His physical attractiveness was simply a nice perk.

Yet, didn't the two - personality and appearance - reinforce one another? She had often noticed that beauty lost some of its lustre if the person behind it proved to be absolutely ghastly. Cruelty or banality had the habit of tainting a person's looks in her eyes. Their inner ugliness was transferred to the outside. Whereas Sidney was wonderful, which somehow made him even more handsome.

Truly, it was unfair! With a face like that, Sidney hardly needed a personality. His face was so interesting. Sometimes it appeared almost sculpted in the true sense of the word. Hard. Cold. Solemn. Until he smiled and then it softened and you couldn't help – _she_ couldn't, at least – imagining running your fingertips over it. Touching that nose. Feeling those lashes against your hand. Tracing that sharp jaw line. Caressing that strong chin. And then that mouth. Such a magnificent mouth. Impossible to picture it uttering cruel words. Yes, Sidney's face was intoxicating, but she loved it because it was _his_.

Yet, here she was, again reliving the moment when he'd looked down at her. The way he'd looked… Perhaps that had been the most fantastic part. Not his wet hair and his glistening torso. Not his glorious body. Not the fact that he had looked undeniably, incredibly beautiful. Perfect. Not her desire to rush upstairs and tumble into bed with him.

No, the fantastic part had been the way he'd looked _at her_. With a heady combination of love and need and agony. As if he had hoped that she would rush upstairs.

She was being silly. Why would she not think of that gorgeous moment? Let it tide her over. Let the dream of them keep her warm whenever her life seemed empty.


	2. Hell

**Between heaven and hell**

 **Chapter 2: Hell**

Sidney moved through the church with unseeing eyes. He couldn't get Amanda out of his mind. Her expression when she'd spotted him coming out of the bathroom. The conflicting emotions playing across her face.

Why was _that_ moment so important? Of all the moments they had shared together, why was his mind so determinedly stuck on that moment? Her usually composed features fracturing, for a second, into… yes, _what_ exactly?

She had looked as if she wanted to rush upstairs, Sidney suddenly realised.

He sighed to relieve some of the tension, but it didn't work. He could picture it vividly. Amanda, ascending the stairs two steps at a time, Him stripping away her clothes and murmuring 'I love you, I love you, I love you' over and over again. The softness and warmth of her body. The taste of her skin. The feeling of his lips against her bare shoulder. Nothing between them.

At the end of the day, dreaming was utterly useless, of course. Once upon a time, he might have been able to give it and she might have been able to accept it, but that time was long gone. It was too late now. He couldn't lose himself like that. It would fundamentally change them. He wouldn't be the man he thought he was.

Ah, if only the memory of what might have been filled him with happiness.

It did not, though. It gave him no comfort or solace. Quite the opposite. It made the rest of his life appear bleaker. Fantasies were all well and good when you were happy. They were far less comforting when you were unhappy and the one thing you wanted was also the one thing you could never have.


	3. Somewhere in between

**Between heaven and hell**

 **Chapter 3: Somewhere in between**

Amanda would marry Guy and that would be that, Sidney thought. He sighed, unhappily, and considered pouring himself a drink. Slippery slope, he reminded himself. It wasn't even noon yet. He drummed a little frustrated melody on his desk and decided to go for a walk instead. The weather wasn't ideal.

'Looks like rain,' Mrs. Maguire cautioned as he headed out. Sidney treated her to a lopsided smile and left anyway. A stern wind tousled his hair. It was cool. He should have taken a coat, but he wasn't about to turn around and retrieve it. He didn't think he'd be able to conjure up another one of those horrid, disingenuous smiles if he encountered someone. Everything was awful.

Why couldn't he stop thinking of Amanda? Why couldn't he leave these thoughts behind him? Pack them up and put them away. Oh, if only it were that simple! Alas, he couldn't. But why not? _Why_ not?

Because this wasn't how it was meant to be, was it? The thought gave him hope and then his spirits sank again. None of it mattered. He shivered as a fat drop of rain hit the back of his neck and slid down his back. Above his head, dark grey clouds amassed swiftly. The wind picked up speed.

Rain, wind, sunshine. Autumn, winter, spring. Everything reminded him of Amanda. Her confidence, her laughter, the tilt of her head. Torment.

Squinting, Sidney watched as the clouds piled on and the rain continued to fall. He sat down underneath a tree. His trousers were immediately soaked from the wet grass. He couldn't have cared less. He leaned his back against the bark and regarded the world with an anger he thought he'd banished from his heart.

Stop doing this, he warned himself. Meant to be or not, it wasn't happening. That was the point. It hadn't happened and now it would never happen. Once upon a time both their trains had stopped at the same station and neither of them had elected to disembark. That was the way it was and he would just have to deal with it.

'Whatever are you doing out in this dismal weather?' an all-too-familiar voice chided him, out of the blue. Sidney started.

'Everything reminds me of you,' he blurted out.

'Likewise,' Amanda replied, gathering up her skirt before sitting down.

'What is your favourite memory?' she inquired, her tone deceptively airy. 'Mine is you at the top of the stairs. Me at the bottom. Intense looks back and forth. And then… nothing. As is our wont. Unfulfilled desire: it seems to be our forte.'

Neither of them had ever been bold enough to state it quite so baldly, but there it was. Amanda wasn't looking at him – her face completely obscured by her hair - and Sidney was glad for it. He needed a moment to compose himself.

'Desire?' Sidney whispered, eventually. He licked his lips, because they were dry; as was his throat. 'Is that all it was?'

Amanda threw him a brief glance then. She's angry, he realised. She was beautiful when she was angry. Her clothes were damp. Her hair was darker than usual. She looked stunning. Dazzling like a diamond in the midst of the dreary landscape. The drab sky a splendid backdrop for her exquisite beauty.

'No?' Sidney prodded.

'Of course not!' she snapped. The sharpness of her anger surprised him. She struggled to get to her feet and Sidney followed suit. Oh, how he longed to kiss her and caress her and love her. His heart ached for her. She gazed at him, warily. He swallowed down his emotions. Blinked them away, hastily.

'Amanda…' he breathed. He hadn't prepared anything beyond that. He had no words for what he was feeling. She nodded.

'Goodbye, Sidney,' she said. Could it really end thusly? No, Sidney decided, but how was he supposed to make her stay? He took her into his arms; afraid of what he might do otherwise. He pulled her close and held her tight. Her body was stiff; unyielding. They stood like that for what seemed an eternity. Finally, Amanda spoke.

'I love you.'

Sidney breathed a sigh of relief, peered into her beloved face and responded easily.

'And I love you.'

There was nothing sweet or innocent about what he did next. He traced her bottom lip with his thumb, knowing perfectly well where it would lead. Trembling, she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Suddenly, everything was easy.

He forsook all his ideals in favour of kissing her. He kissed her again and again. Savouring the taste of her mouth; the softness of her lips underneath his own. His hands brushed back her hair. Gently, he laid her down on the sodden grass while it poured around them. He asked permission with his eyes for what he was about to do. Her eyes never leaving his, she gave it to him. She gave him everything that morning in the rain.

It was a pure and equal exchange. They held nothing back from each other as they made love.

It was cold. It was wet. Anyone might have stumbled upon them. It was wrong. Terribly wrong.

It was sublime.

(***)

Afterwards, they dressed; beaming at one another all the while. The rain had stopped, but their clothes were ruined.

'I love you,' Sidney said again. Amanda smiled.

'And I love you,' she replied, carrying on without hesitation. 'And I will marry Guy and you will remain a vicar and neither of us will be completely happy, but we will think of each other and try.'

He stared at her.

'Is that how it's meant to be?' he asked. Amanda took his face into her hands and kissed him lightly. She responded without answering.

'I will think of you. Golden hair. Glowing in the sunlight. You will be what gives everything its meaning,' she waxed lyrically, sounding false. She avoided his gaze while raking her fingers through his soaked hair in an attempt to fashion it into something a tad less scandalous. He grabbed her wrist.

'Is it how it's really meant to be?' he repeated. She looked at him then - with a sadness that pained Sidney – and once and for all killed the dream.

'Yes.'

The end.


End file.
